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Last trimester and how avoidance has been my safeguard

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It feels like forever since I have last posted about anything, three months in fact! Though I do find myself quite content with the decision to mostly cut social media out of my life. Instagram has been spoilt with at least five pictures in three months. Why though? Because social media can be a huge weight on anyone’s shoulders, am I right? I can’t say I feel fabulous or that I have had my shit together completely, really I think pregnancy can be a huge rollercoaster. For someone with anxiety problems I have to take steps in keeping my mindset as relaxed as I can. Hormones in pregnancy can differ from day-to-day or even hour to hour, as well as physical changes, this baby lies on any nerve she can! I think I hate physically feeling unable to do things, I feel trapped in a box that is my own body, I can’t even sit on the floor comfortably to play with my three-year old. I also can’t tell you the last day I had were I didn’t have the worst reflux and heartburn. I also don’t remember what a full nights sleep feels like. I slept for five hours last night which was treat, my bladder is very and I mean VERY sensitive to her kicks- I’ve lost count on how many times I’ve wet myself in the daytime. As you can tell I’m at a point were I’m basically on Instagram envious of the glowing pregnant women, mums who drink smoothies everyday and boast about how each kick feels like magic when I’m praying she doesn’t wake so I don’t wee myself. See this is why social media has been a no go area mostly as I become sulky and feel so selfish for not enjoy a pregnancy many women would dream of having. I am at a point now were I have less than a month so the light at the end of the tunnel is there, I can deal  with one more month. Really when she’s here I’ll be like meh, rolling out of bed everyday wasn’t that bad? Who needs to touch their toes? I’ll laugh about the time I wet myself forgetting to put a pad on and convincing myself everyone in Tesco’s knew of my shame. Okay, I’m laugh while writing that at just remembering. It was last week.

Pregnancy can suck.

Pregnancy isn’t always fabulous.

Pregnancy can test a woman to her very limit of feeling like a sack of shit.

Yet we do it over and over again because, well, the end result is like no feeling you can describe. I often get asked some questions about the upcoming event and how I feel so figured I’ll just put them out there here.

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How do you feel physically?

Read above, like a sack of shit. My hair is so dry. My skin is dry and I’m scared to leave the house incase I wet myself. My right hip cramps up and when I am just about to fall asleep I get the worst twitchy legs. I do think though that my bum is looking great, I actually have boobs as well so I’m winning in some ways.

What are you going to call her?

I don’t know. Really I pick a name and think Yes! That’s it, I love it then I get bored with it and fuss over a new name. Until I see her I’m not thinking of any names. Luna is my today favourite, yesterday it was Aurora so we’ll see.

How’s Logan feeling?

He told his teachers last month that he’s scared to be a big brother which got my hormones going. I think over everything any concerns I have are for him, I’ve raised one baby so that I know I can do. To keep them both content is a mission I’m fearing, mum guilt for being selfish and making him share us is there. He is excited though, he plays with all her teddies pretending they are her, puts them in her Moses basket in such a sweet way and talks to in his words ‘his baby girl’ everyday. Yesterday Logan put his unicorn teddy (that was mine) in her pram and took it for a walk.

How do you feel emotionally?

I don’t know and could anyone really pinpoint an exact emotion on such a big thing? Like yeah I’m scared, excited, nervous, happy, filled with so many questions only time can answer. When will labour start? Will I have another short labour? Will I be induced again? My heads like a bomb that is probably what stops me sleeping with all my questions.

What are your plans for labour?

I think the word labour and plan just don’t really work. I am yet to meet a women who followed her birth plan. I didn’t do a birth plan with Logan and declined again, I could give birth in Tesco’s for all I know! I seem to like to wee in there. Labour is just as predictable as my bladder in my opinion. I would like gas and air though please and thank you, that stuff is good.

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I think that’s the main questions answered but not really with good answers as I just keep saying I don’t know. I can say that I’m so excited to feel human again soon, yes I’ll be tired but physically I want my body back- I don’t mean my size 10 jeans just my ability to move. I also want to eat a big fat greasy meal and not have it burn with reflux/heartburn. I am smiling while writing this. Mostly I just want her now, I want labour done so I know she’s out safe and happy. If I have a 40 hour labour bring it on, the pain I don’t care about, stretch marks, I had before kids and smile when I see them now appearing were they did with Logan. Leaky boobs yeah got that already, don’t care. I just want her safe and to be honest if I focus on all of the above things about myself it saves me worrying about her. Truth be told why would someone want to think about something so scary. I guess avoidance has been my safe guard. Avoiding my emotions, questions and everything. Now I need to suck it up and start taking it all in. I envy women who post their healthy newborn pictures and posts. Please can that be me soon so I can say I’ve powered through it like a trooper and all was well. No more I don’t knows. No more hiding in fear of the judgment of well isn’t she ungrateful during such a special moment she should be enjoying. The fear of something happening and not being able to post a picture of MY healthy newborn. I will take everything pregnancy has given to me for her if it means she’s well. She is well from a scan we had a few months ago showing she’s a chunk, my chunk that will have us all bursting with happiness soon.

I think the biggest thing I need to get past is feeling silly for having feelings, it’s okay to feel not okay, I think it’s okay to avoid feelings Sometimes but they are still there somewhere right? It’s odd how we feel like we can’t have emotions yet that’s what comes with being human. Maybe I need to spend my year learning to open my emotions box instead of locking it away. Why do we avoid feelings? For now I must say just writing this post has made me feel good. Sorry for the rant, rambling and full spill of emotions I’ve probably been holding in for months.

 

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Left is me at 36 weeks compared to 36 weeks on the right with Logan

 

 

 

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